This post probably belonged...

on this blog, but it is what it is...

HERE

is tonight's blog...this is unedited and basically just me writing the thoughts that were whirling around...

I posted over...

HERE today.

It's more of the same relevant stuff about working through the past...

Oh It's 5 in the mornin and I can't go to sleep...

(disclaimer...this is totally a repeat from my other blog)

Cause I wish, Cause I wish you knew what you mean to me...

Okay it is literally 5:17...the cat woke me up and while trying to go back to sleep mama Kate popped into my head. While I was thinking of her the thought occurred to me...Would my life be easier if I would just get rid of all reminders? How do I do that? Could I do that? I don't think there would be any way for me to do that, but I sometimes, in a moment of weakness, wish that there was. I know without my reminders (which are many, including parts of my personality and some extraordinary friends) I would be less full, I would be a lot more boring, but sometimes maybe it would be worth it. I can't separate myself from the past. The past may be the past, but that doesn't mean that it stops influencing the future. Thoughts?

That being said I think I'll turn on some Dr. Quinn (thank Goddess for Jane Seymour...) and try to go back to sleep...also, I'd like to mention the sun is thinking of coming up at 5 in the morning. It's beautiful. It's a new dawn...

XO, J

I have 3 blogs...and I can't keep up...crap

post relevant to this blog over HERE

xo, J

I just need you here...

Dear Kate,
Sometimes I just need you here. I need you to tell me that I'm making the right decision. That I'll be okay. That even if it doesn't work out the way I want it to, it will work out exactly the way it's supposed to and that all is well. Everyone else tells me these things and though the sentiment is right the words, the tone, the person is wrong. They all mean everything they say. They say I'll be great and I'll know what to do when the time comes. That I'm making a great decision. That you would be proud of me. It doesn't mean the same coming from them instead of you. When I cry for you I think they all wonder if I'm going to lose it. When will the other shoe drop and I won't be able to hold it together. I should write you more often because even though you're gone I know that some how you understand. That these words some how reach you...it's as if you're reading over my shoulder. I miss you every day. I can't explain what it was like to be the "daughter of your heart and soul". No one understands. Mom does better than anyone, but talking about you breaks her heart as much as mine and I can't see both of us hurting because I'm upset. You know I went to Roundup a while back and damn near had a panic attack. All I could think about is how it was so wrong to be there without you, wrong to be there period. You hated it there. Yet there was something that pulled you back. We spent so much time there. I remember hours in that old house, in the kitchen, sitting on that stupid stool, watching you...you were good at anything you put your mind to that's for sure. I will write more here about that soon, or about what's going on, or about nothing at all. I lost all track of this post because you re-sent me Martha. Martha is facebook chatting with me. Martha has pulled me out of the funk AGAIN for now. She was very special to you and I can see why even more clearly now, as she is very special to me. I love dearest mama kate...more than anyone will ever understand.
XO,
The Daughter of Your Heart...Jess

Cleaning out the closet...literally

So I have a huge closet (for storage) that was full of boxes and a guest closet that was also kind of full. As I was watching "Hoarders" the other night I got a really big hankering to clean out my house. The first night I didn't need "replacement" boxes to put my crap back into. I emptied one box, put the crap I'd need in it and threw the rest out. 5 boxes all in all from the guest bedroom closet. I was on a roll. So this weekend I went through my other boxes in the big closet. There were emails galore from my high school years. I wasn't very excited to have to go through all of them, but I knew I had to because some of them were from Kate. I read a ton of the ones with my high school girlfriends (mostly they happened when we were fighting) and threw them out (I'm good at getting my feelings out on paper, but don't want to remember being pissed at them). They were just toxic crap filling my life. Then I started to get to the Kate emails. Almost 6 years have passed and it hasn't gotten all the much easier. I keep telling myself - "Jess, 6 years is a long time, you need to move on and get over it." Turns out that losing your mommy person doesn't EVER get easier. It hurts less, but always sucks from what I've heard. So I thought I would be strong enough now to read them, right? Logically I should be (according to me, not the shrink type people I've talked to, they all seem to think I'm handling it just fine). I started in on the first email dated June, 2001. It said something along the lines of "I know you're scared. I know it seems like goodbye forever. You've never done well with change. I know this, but parents don't just give up their children and you ARE my child." I can't remember for the life of me anything past that except and I love you, Love, Kate. I started crying and KNEW that I was not strong enough to do this yet. It's hard for me to ever admit that I'm not strong, but I'm not. I have my weaknesses like everyone else and Kate will forever be one of them. I mean Christ on a crutch I'm having a hard time keeping it together just to write this. I love to see other people be weak because it means they trust me enough to fall apart, but I can't seem to do it myself. I can't seem to let myself be weak around most people. I don't trust very easily. I don't talk about being scared, or lonely, or vulnerable in any way to even most of my friends. It would be nice for them to see I'm sure since I do believe they feel that I think I'm perfect. It's just not who I am. I let people in easily, I just don't let them in very far...you know that part deep down that only the most trusted get to see. I don't think a lot of people do, but that's another part of Kate that I see in me. The ability to let others in only so much and not any further, only until you know that they will protect you then maybe you'll let your guard down some. Maybe that is part of the reason I get along better with people who are older than me. I like being around strong, role model, mom-like women. They let me know that I'm safe and that it's okay to fall apart sometimes. A lot of them also understand the Kate stuff. It's nice to know that they do. My friends that are close to my age get it but in a different way. It's not the same kind of knowing. And I've said it before to people, different friends serve different purposes and no 2 friends of mine know the exact same information. On a lighter note - hopefully they never all get together to compare knowledge...cuz then I'm screwed :)

I posted over...

here today...about my AWESOME GRAMS who just happens to be another year older...today...or tomorrow...it's honestly a little debatable, but that's an entirely different story.

Thanks for reading,
J.

Oh Lordy be...

I fail. So I don't know how I feel about anything any more which has made this blog more or less obsolete...and my other one was already sort of obsolete anyway so...yeah that leaves me about no where.

Anyway...I last wrote on here...um...well a long frickin time ago...

Since my last post I have gotten back in touch (more so than I was anyway) with Liz mom - she's another of the instrumental women in my life. It is nice to know that even though Kate is gone she has connected me with a few very wonderful people. They have been very helpful. It is also nice to know that Liz feels the same way about Kevin Dean as mom and I do. Interesting revelation and also quite hysterical. It was nice to hear her voice. It had been a really long time since we'd spoken. After Kate died I didn't know where to find anyone and didn't really know what the hell to do with myself. I feel like I've been a little lost since then. That was 6 years ago at the end of May. 6 years is a long time to float around and the first 5 of those I didn't know why I felt lost of wtf had happened. Not an easy thing. So to feel even a little found is a great thing. This is where I have to praise Facebook. Were it not for Facebook and my stalking methods I would have never found my sanity saver Martha or my Liz mom. Anyway, I can't remember specifics of the conversation with Liz...and I probably wouldn't share them with all of the interwebs anyway...probably. Thanks for caring.

Jess

um...

sometimes I hate that my friends and family know where this is...even if they don't read it they might stumble upon it. That makes talking shit harder...just sayin's all...

Just when you think someone gets it...

they go and prove you wrong...

Okay. So I can't say who this person is, but I will say that she knew me well when I was younger. However, she doesn't know me that well now. I will also say she knew my relationship with Kate to some extent but she only knew the back end (as in...mostly after she left and before she died...I mean like a year, maybe 2 before she died). I will admit that she was trying to get me to think, but she seems to think she knows what she's talking about and yet she really doesn't. It's funny that this was something that bothered me though. I guess I expected more from her since she supposedly knew how close Kate and I were. It seems to me that, because Kate wasn't my biological mother, I should maybe not feel the way I do about her death. Well here's a news flash for people...Just because you are adopted doesn't mean that the person who adopted you means any less than your biological parents - does it? EXACTLY...Kate didn't actually legally adopt me and I was 11 when she came like a whirlwind into my tiny little world. BUT that doesn't mean that I loved her any less than I love my biological parents. As a matter of fact I love my step-mommy and my step-sissy and my step-bro's like they are biological family damnit. I DO NOT believe that blood is thicker than water. With my whole heart I believe that love is thicker than blood...I loved and do love Kate like she was my mother. She was Mama Kate and she was my "soul mother". She taught me so many things and I owe her so much. It's not one of those things you can explain, but to try and compare it to a grandparent is just laughable (unless of course - your grandparents raised you - then I'm wrong). I was very very close with my grandfather (I lost him 1 year 3 months before Kate) and the way I felt and still feel about his death was extraordinarily different than the way I feel about Kate's. I love my mom's best friend, BG, like an auntie...a very close, very cool auntie (we lost her 1 year and 3 months after Kate). Yet I still feel very differently about her death than Kate's. You can't not feel differently about a woman who took you under her wing, called you the daughter of her heart, and raised you for 5 years with your parents and still played the distant mommy to you for another 4 years. She was as much a parent to me as my mom and dad...she and my parents and my step-mommy RAISED ME TOGETHER. It was a group effort and I love them all equally in different ways. If you put me in the position to choose between the death of any one of them and the other - I would NOT be able to choose...I would have to take myself. I have the best set of parental people a girl could ever hope to have. I don't know very many people who are lucky enough to have such a wide variety of family of choice. Hell, I don't know very many people who understand what family of choice is...so I'll break it down for those of you "not in the know". Family of choice = the family that you pick. It can be biological or non. You don't have to include everyone you are biologically related to, but you certainly can. It includes the closest of friends. These are the people that you know will be there no matter what...this is the family you'd have if God asked you to choose who you wanted to be your family. My family of choice includes a few actual biological family members, but it's mostly made up of friends that I love more than life itself. I don't want to name names, but I have this cousin...we'll call him TH...I don't like this guy and I wouldn't choose (if I had the choice) to be related to him. He's not in the family of choice. However, my pister (and bestie for 13 years) is my family....If I had to choose btwn the 2 of them...biology would lose...badly. Anyway enough for my rant...Happy New Year and long may you rave!