I just need you here...

Dear Kate,
Sometimes I just need you here. I need you to tell me that I'm making the right decision. That I'll be okay. That even if it doesn't work out the way I want it to, it will work out exactly the way it's supposed to and that all is well. Everyone else tells me these things and though the sentiment is right the words, the tone, the person is wrong. They all mean everything they say. They say I'll be great and I'll know what to do when the time comes. That I'm making a great decision. That you would be proud of me. It doesn't mean the same coming from them instead of you. When I cry for you I think they all wonder if I'm going to lose it. When will the other shoe drop and I won't be able to hold it together. I should write you more often because even though you're gone I know that some how you understand. That these words some how reach you...it's as if you're reading over my shoulder. I miss you every day. I can't explain what it was like to be the "daughter of your heart and soul". No one understands. Mom does better than anyone, but talking about you breaks her heart as much as mine and I can't see both of us hurting because I'm upset. You know I went to Roundup a while back and damn near had a panic attack. All I could think about is how it was so wrong to be there without you, wrong to be there period. You hated it there. Yet there was something that pulled you back. We spent so much time there. I remember hours in that old house, in the kitchen, sitting on that stupid stool, watching you...you were good at anything you put your mind to that's for sure. I will write more here about that soon, or about what's going on, or about nothing at all. I lost all track of this post because you re-sent me Martha. Martha is facebook chatting with me. Martha has pulled me out of the funk AGAIN for now. She was very special to you and I can see why even more clearly now, as she is very special to me. I love dearest mama kate...more than anyone will ever understand.
XO,
The Daughter of Your Heart...Jess