I just need you here...

Dear Kate,
Sometimes I just need you here. I need you to tell me that I'm making the right decision. That I'll be okay. That even if it doesn't work out the way I want it to, it will work out exactly the way it's supposed to and that all is well. Everyone else tells me these things and though the sentiment is right the words, the tone, the person is wrong. They all mean everything they say. They say I'll be great and I'll know what to do when the time comes. That I'm making a great decision. That you would be proud of me. It doesn't mean the same coming from them instead of you. When I cry for you I think they all wonder if I'm going to lose it. When will the other shoe drop and I won't be able to hold it together. I should write you more often because even though you're gone I know that some how you understand. That these words some how reach you...it's as if you're reading over my shoulder. I miss you every day. I can't explain what it was like to be the "daughter of your heart and soul". No one understands. Mom does better than anyone, but talking about you breaks her heart as much as mine and I can't see both of us hurting because I'm upset. You know I went to Roundup a while back and damn near had a panic attack. All I could think about is how it was so wrong to be there without you, wrong to be there period. You hated it there. Yet there was something that pulled you back. We spent so much time there. I remember hours in that old house, in the kitchen, sitting on that stupid stool, watching you...you were good at anything you put your mind to that's for sure. I will write more here about that soon, or about what's going on, or about nothing at all. I lost all track of this post because you re-sent me Martha. Martha is facebook chatting with me. Martha has pulled me out of the funk AGAIN for now. She was very special to you and I can see why even more clearly now, as she is very special to me. I love dearest mama kate...more than anyone will ever understand.
XO,
The Daughter of Your Heart...Jess

Cleaning out the closet...literally

So I have a huge closet (for storage) that was full of boxes and a guest closet that was also kind of full. As I was watching "Hoarders" the other night I got a really big hankering to clean out my house. The first night I didn't need "replacement" boxes to put my crap back into. I emptied one box, put the crap I'd need in it and threw the rest out. 5 boxes all in all from the guest bedroom closet. I was on a roll. So this weekend I went through my other boxes in the big closet. There were emails galore from my high school years. I wasn't very excited to have to go through all of them, but I knew I had to because some of them were from Kate. I read a ton of the ones with my high school girlfriends (mostly they happened when we were fighting) and threw them out (I'm good at getting my feelings out on paper, but don't want to remember being pissed at them). They were just toxic crap filling my life. Then I started to get to the Kate emails. Almost 6 years have passed and it hasn't gotten all the much easier. I keep telling myself - "Jess, 6 years is a long time, you need to move on and get over it." Turns out that losing your mommy person doesn't EVER get easier. It hurts less, but always sucks from what I've heard. So I thought I would be strong enough now to read them, right? Logically I should be (according to me, not the shrink type people I've talked to, they all seem to think I'm handling it just fine). I started in on the first email dated June, 2001. It said something along the lines of "I know you're scared. I know it seems like goodbye forever. You've never done well with change. I know this, but parents don't just give up their children and you ARE my child." I can't remember for the life of me anything past that except and I love you, Love, Kate. I started crying and KNEW that I was not strong enough to do this yet. It's hard for me to ever admit that I'm not strong, but I'm not. I have my weaknesses like everyone else and Kate will forever be one of them. I mean Christ on a crutch I'm having a hard time keeping it together just to write this. I love to see other people be weak because it means they trust me enough to fall apart, but I can't seem to do it myself. I can't seem to let myself be weak around most people. I don't trust very easily. I don't talk about being scared, or lonely, or vulnerable in any way to even most of my friends. It would be nice for them to see I'm sure since I do believe they feel that I think I'm perfect. It's just not who I am. I let people in easily, I just don't let them in very far...you know that part deep down that only the most trusted get to see. I don't think a lot of people do, but that's another part of Kate that I see in me. The ability to let others in only so much and not any further, only until you know that they will protect you then maybe you'll let your guard down some. Maybe that is part of the reason I get along better with people who are older than me. I like being around strong, role model, mom-like women. They let me know that I'm safe and that it's okay to fall apart sometimes. A lot of them also understand the Kate stuff. It's nice to know that they do. My friends that are close to my age get it but in a different way. It's not the same kind of knowing. And I've said it before to people, different friends serve different purposes and no 2 friends of mine know the exact same information. On a lighter note - hopefully they never all get together to compare knowledge...cuz then I'm screwed :)