um...

sometimes I hate that my friends and family know where this is...even if they don't read it they might stumble upon it. That makes talking shit harder...just sayin's all...

Just when you think someone gets it...

they go and prove you wrong...

Okay. So I can't say who this person is, but I will say that she knew me well when I was younger. However, she doesn't know me that well now. I will also say she knew my relationship with Kate to some extent but she only knew the back end (as in...mostly after she left and before she died...I mean like a year, maybe 2 before she died). I will admit that she was trying to get me to think, but she seems to think she knows what she's talking about and yet she really doesn't. It's funny that this was something that bothered me though. I guess I expected more from her since she supposedly knew how close Kate and I were. It seems to me that, because Kate wasn't my biological mother, I should maybe not feel the way I do about her death. Well here's a news flash for people...Just because you are adopted doesn't mean that the person who adopted you means any less than your biological parents - does it? EXACTLY...Kate didn't actually legally adopt me and I was 11 when she came like a whirlwind into my tiny little world. BUT that doesn't mean that I loved her any less than I love my biological parents. As a matter of fact I love my step-mommy and my step-sissy and my step-bro's like they are biological family damnit. I DO NOT believe that blood is thicker than water. With my whole heart I believe that love is thicker than blood...I loved and do love Kate like she was my mother. She was Mama Kate and she was my "soul mother". She taught me so many things and I owe her so much. It's not one of those things you can explain, but to try and compare it to a grandparent is just laughable (unless of course - your grandparents raised you - then I'm wrong). I was very very close with my grandfather (I lost him 1 year 3 months before Kate) and the way I felt and still feel about his death was extraordinarily different than the way I feel about Kate's. I love my mom's best friend, BG, like an auntie...a very close, very cool auntie (we lost her 1 year and 3 months after Kate). Yet I still feel very differently about her death than Kate's. You can't not feel differently about a woman who took you under her wing, called you the daughter of her heart, and raised you for 5 years with your parents and still played the distant mommy to you for another 4 years. She was as much a parent to me as my mom and dad...she and my parents and my step-mommy RAISED ME TOGETHER. It was a group effort and I love them all equally in different ways. If you put me in the position to choose between the death of any one of them and the other - I would NOT be able to choose...I would have to take myself. I have the best set of parental people a girl could ever hope to have. I don't know very many people who are lucky enough to have such a wide variety of family of choice. Hell, I don't know very many people who understand what family of choice is...so I'll break it down for those of you "not in the know". Family of choice = the family that you pick. It can be biological or non. You don't have to include everyone you are biologically related to, but you certainly can. It includes the closest of friends. These are the people that you know will be there no matter what...this is the family you'd have if God asked you to choose who you wanted to be your family. My family of choice includes a few actual biological family members, but it's mostly made up of friends that I love more than life itself. I don't want to name names, but I have this cousin...we'll call him TH...I don't like this guy and I wouldn't choose (if I had the choice) to be related to him. He's not in the family of choice. However, my pister (and bestie for 13 years) is my family....If I had to choose btwn the 2 of them...biology would lose...badly. Anyway enough for my rant...Happy New Year and long may you rave!

End of the year/Christmas letter

so everyone sends these and since I don't want to clutter mailboxes or frankly people's heads...I figured put one on your blog (reading is optional).

So...without further adieu....

Dear friends and family that probably don't care what I've been doing this year and if they do care probably already know about it,

Let me start this letter by saying this is not a "knock" on you. I actually like the letters you've sent...especially if they are funny. I love reading all the little shit that I didn't know about and I do actually care even if I'm mocking you a little. I still love you so please still love me...please.

Okay and so it goes...

I started the year off in Shitney...er I mean Sidney, Montana (what a shit hole), with my parents (of the dad and other mom persuasion). We did a whole lot of nothing and ate a whole lot of junk. Later in January I got my angry drink on...Jan 10th to be exact and was hung over for 3 days. This was the worst decision I have ever made - probably. I was still not feeling great on my birthday Jan 13th. For my birthday I did a whole lot of more nothing. I went to a friends house and she made me tacos - yippie skippy eh?

By February I was starting to not feel very well. It turned out that I would around Valentine's Day start to feel really shitty. Shitty enough that I would be missing work and going to a lot of doctors who don't know their ass with both hands. Yay for the wallet! Not so much...

By March I was sicker than sick. I would then spend March, April, and most of May in bed (yep lucky I work for mom and she kept me on payroll even though I wasn't able to work). I would spend those months feeling like shit, crying about feeling like shit, lonely as hell because my friends didn't want to come see me (not sure what that was about), and spending around $10,000 (that I'm going to be paying off until I'm 100) in doctor's/hospital bills. I got over my fear of needles in those months after about 3 or 4 IV's, one test where they knock you out and shove a tube down your throat, and countless blood tests. Guess what is wrong with me! They DON'T have a clue. So I would sometime in May go to the Naturopath and he would give me some weird pills and whala - I'm back to work even though still a little sick. Also at some point in there my girl Mmmk would graduate from Nursing School (I missed it of course with all the being sick and stuff) and move back to B-town...Congrats MmmK.

Sometime in there I found Martha on facebook and was able to reconnect with her and find out what really happened with my mama Kate. Couldn't have been better timing. I would spend the end of May pissed and disheartened but somehow feeling like things were going to get better. Thanks for that M...

I would spend June pissed off about how I was sick and they still don't know...and also still going to appointments and spending money I don't have. No - I don't have insurance - it's too expensive. I would also be angry that while I was feeling better I still felt shitty too often AND on top of it I would not be starting school in the fall because I had not (and still have not) taken the GRE (it's the exam to get into Grad school).

July and August would be pretty boring. Did nothing on the 4th - friends too busy. August was Kelly Clarkson and MmmK's b-days. Probably some drama in there some place. I think mom and Reid broke up soemwhere in there, but I can't remember...but it's all good...some people just should be together. Don't settle for miserable mom just because it's with someone - you can be miserable with someone or happy alone. Settle for happy always...Don't settle for just gettin' by :)

September I can't remember although I think there was some shit that happened. October is basically the same thing but I think my Kell H was here that month or maybe it was September - shit I can't remember.

Novemeber - KG and DB are first gay couple to adopt in Montana at the same time the Supreme Court here held up the parent child relationship with 2 different sets of gay couples. Yep - I was riding high. The Supremes said that yes both mom's on both cases had rights. High five to our friends!

December has been nothing but come to work and be exhausted. Lots of drama goes on in a divorce lawyers office around this time of year. People pissing and moaning about their kids and what not. Went out more this month than usual though so that was a plus. My oldest Neice graduated from High School a semester early. Congrats baby girl...Christmas is just around the corner and my plans this year are the same as usual...be boring and chill - YAY! As for New Years...well I'll hopefully be in Shitney boring myself to death but being with the fam dam....

Then it's January and the fresh start to a new year...

Other things that happened this year but I can't remember when....

A's preggo again
LR had a baby
AB and SB had a baby
SM and MM had a baby
Pister's friends had lots of baby's - Congrats to all the new parents out there!
Oh yeah - mom moved out of my childhood home...I had a meltdown about it
A's divorce was finalized last December or Jan of this year...can't remember...
Kell H came home for a while - I saw her twice - she's home again (yay!)
My great uncle Jim died - RIP you wonderful man
We had a Harris Family reunion - it was actually kinda fun
my cousin got knocked up...I MEAN pregnant - it's a girl
My other cousin worked her ass off at school and hates her prof from Organic Chem...Love ya T
My cousin Court was home
I saw a ton of family I forgot about and a ton that I haven't seen in forever...Luckily before Uncle Jim died
I learned that my dad's Cuz Dr. Jim has delievered like a million babies and everyone knows someone that he's worked with....
Kendrick turned 4, Bailey turned 1
JBJ came home and hung out and I realized how much I wish I'd have gotten to know her in HS
My sister and brother-in-law and my 2 nieces and nephew found out they had to move from OK to TX and are moving the 28th
Worried about said sister...a lot
Worked for mom some more...poor mom...
Shel's hub - RM went to work in Nebraska - sorry dude...that must have sucked...
Storm graduated from HS and went to college in Nebraska but she loves it
Started hanging out with my cousin T - she's fun and we actually have a lot in common
I went to an HRC meeting with Baucus's people who ignored us...then told one of his staff people whom I've known since birth that the guy that was supposed to listen to us was a tool
Cat and Steve's oldest started College
I had multiple meltdowns about being sick, missing Kate, and my friends being sucktastic
Starting dating a guy I've known forever, stopped dating the same guy
Whined about how I'm never going to fall in love
wrote some funny blogs and some whiney ones but now have 9 whole followers on my other blog...they're awesome...and I owe them - they make my day a little brighter
learned some weird shit about people I don't know via blogging...and some weird shit in general
And wrote this extremely long and boring X-mas letter thing...

sorry to those I've left out...It was not my intention...but this thing is fucking long...my bad...maybe next year you'll do something funner

Love always,
J

**this fucker's long so I will not be editing - feel free to let me know if there are typos...as for words that aren't actually words - fuck off I meant those...btw I won't edit even if you tell me there are typos, but as I said feel free to let me know...

hand holder...

What do you do when your spiritual hand holder leaves you? Do you become bitter? Do you look for a replacement even when you are fully aware that one cannot exist? Do you hate them, resent them, what? What do you do when the only person that understands you leaves? I did it all. I was mad for no reason. She didn't choose to die. I was mad for many good reasons and many bad ones. How could she leave? How could she leave me here to deal with this mess all alone? And I was very very alone. I was mad at other people for not understanding. The anger still resides some place buried deep inside me. It's not the same and it's no longer anger at her. It's new anger. Anger toward her "significant other" - Kevin (Dean - he goes by both and I subsequently seem to refer to him as both). Anger toward her son (total asshat - she didn't even LIKE him - she loved him because he was hers). Anger toward her brother, toward God, toward fate or destiny. The anger doesn't help, but it's hard to get past it too. I know that in time I will heal enough to forgive these people whom I would imagine were also hurting so much. I know this because of the terrible shitty selfish way I feel when I feel angry or bitter toward them. Kevin was devastated. Of that I am sure. He was hurting just like me. He reached out as much as I think he probably could, but it wasn't enough. I need someone to protect me and that person was gone so I had to protect myself. At the time protecting myself looked a lot like separating myself from the situation so that I didn't have to deal with ALL the pain at the same time. I was hurting too much. A God awful hurt. A hurt I didn't know was possible. Kate was only 52...she was too young, too strong, too vibrant and energetic. She couldn't be sick let alone die. No one understood it - the relationship, the hurt, the true knowing of what it felt like to have your heart literally break - they couldn't because they couldn't relate. They couldn't because they had no reference point and I had no answers. For 5 years I walked around in a hazy "maybe this is how it happened" scene. Luckily her love for me shaped my life in so many ways that it allowed me to find the answers...to find her best friend. A friend whose love for her and for me amazes me constantly. This woman who loved Kate and knew Kate loved me also loves me enough to put up with all of the texts and emails, all of the crying, selfishness and whining. And boy have I cried. I've cried so so many times for the things she's missed, things I've missed. She didn't see me graduate from high school even though she was here and she died before she had the opportunity to see me graduate from college. She hasn't gotten to watch me grow into the person she always hoped I would be. The woman she told me that she used to contemplate with her friends. A young woman with passion and love who is constantly changing and trying to grow for the better. A person who stands up for what she believes in, has that same sense of social justice as her moms, and knows that you can be spiritual without having to do it by someone else's terms. She comes to me at night in my dreams. She comes there and holds me like she did when I was little. Just me and mama Kate on the white couch, or me and mama Kate and Martha laughing about photo shopping a picture, or her watching over me. She's here, I can feel her. I could always feel her love surrounding me, but I can't help but think...just one more time. I just need to see her and talk to her and have her hold me one more time. I know she didn't give birth to me, but she was my mommy. I am the first to admit I am a luckily girl to still have my real mom. Since mama Kate died she's (my real ma) become my best friend and confidant. She's taken on a lot of what mama Kate filled, but she doesn't have the words. The sparkling, zingy, loving words. The words I will never hear again. The part that hurts the most. No more loving hearty laughs, no more lectures about thinking before I speak, no more talk of Reiki and God and the meaning of life. No more hearing about how I'm different from most people my age with a list of reasons. It's up to me to guess what she would say. It's up to me to make my own way through life without my guide. All I have now are some parting words sent through my email to remind me of that love...that love that was one of the few constant, unchanging things in my life. That love that is still here if I'd just stop and look for it.

Remember, you are never alone. Not even at those times that lonliness feels like it has seeped through your bones and is filling your heart. Remember all the people who truly love you (and realize that not everyone does love you, as hurtful as that feels). Don't stop and think about the current difficulties you may be having with some of those people. Just remember that there is truly a love much greater than the difficulty. Focus on the love in those moments. I am not telling you to be a "door mat". I am telling you that it is imperative to remind yourself that there is great love here for you.

Read this letter everyday. It is written by someone who loves you. I have sent great love with it. My love for you is present vibrationally in each word. There is nothing more powerful than love. Kate

Workin' It Out...it's different than the other blog

okay so I've realized that I should create a different blog to just spill my guts to the internets. I have my blog randombtownboredness.blogspot.com but I want to keep some of this schmoop off there...It just seems better to have 2 different blogs. One for my dealing with the not so fun things that have happened in my life like: this, this, and well this. One common theme...dealing with the loss of Kate. Now for those people who might stumble upon this blog and wonder who Kate is...well lemme tell ya...she was my mom. Well...kinda. Ya see my mom is gay...stop reading right here judgey judgertons. I don't give a shit if you have a problem with that...and I certainly don't want to hear about it. My mom's the fucking bomb...anywho...Kate was my mom's girlfriend and was/is probably the most instrumental part of my life. So this blog will be about what happened, missing her, missing other people who have died or just moved away, and well basically anything and everything schmoopy (as LiLu would say) that I don't want to put on my other blog. It will be more personal...like a journal. I have no idea what it will turn in to, but I do know it will probably be very deeply connected to who I am. So read if you're interested and if not...I can't say I blame you, I mean shit everyone has problems. However, if you've ever lost someone and you feel alone, my hope is that you will read this and be able to relate to me. Thanks. XO, J